BREAKING NEWS: Man Dies; Veganism Blamed

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[BUFFALO CITY, OK] Harper County Police and the Harper County Medical Examiner’s Office are investigating the death of a Buffalo City man this morning.

A 92-year-old Buffalo City resident was found dead in his modest prairie home earlier this week. Local authorities believe his vegan lifestyle may have contributed to his unexpected death. David Nash, retired postal worker for Buffalo City, was discovered deceased in his reclining chair by a neighbor who felt “something was just not right.”

“I considered David a friend, in spite of the fact he only ever brought hummus and veggie burgers to our community cookouts,” said Daryl Leno, a neighbor of Nash’s. “Considering the bizarre diet he was on, I’m pretty sure that’s what killed him. I mean, come on, what is hummus anyway?”

The County medical examiner confirmed upon closer inspection of Nash’s home, they could only find whole foods, beans, rice, fruits, vegetables, and some form of “soy” milk in his refrigerator and pantry.

“There is no way a person can survive on this diet,” said Pablo Rodriguez, Chief Medical Examiner. “Where’s the steaks? The eggs? It’s no wonder he didn’t live to be 94 with this type of lifestyle. It’s just unhealthy.”

In related “unhealthy” news, a popular food blogger and Instagram sensation known previously as The Blonde Vegan, made national headlines when she admitted that trying to stay alive consuming only food that is good for you, foods found in a vegan diet, and avoiding meat, dairy, and eggs, nearly killed her.

Jordan, a yoga junkie, passionate writer, fitness freak, smoothie addict, dream chaser, cleanse creator, founder of TBV Apparel, wannabe food photographer & lover of all things health related has since converted back to an omnivore’s diet and already feels healthier and reports that her period, which had stalled during her 18-months vegan, has returned. This medical oddity also proves that vegans cannot reproduce and if the planet went 100% vegan, human life would cease to exist.

“If I could say just one thing to Mr. Nash in the great beyond, it would be ‘bacon’,” Rodriguez added, while biting into a double cheeseburger over Nash’s corpse during his planned autopsy. “If only someone had told this old man that humans require meat and meat protein and eggs and milk and bacon … to live, he’d still be with us today.”

Go vegan.

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47 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS: Man Dies; Veganism Blamed”

    • claudia

      has jordan ever come out against this website? i just wonder why you would use her in a way to further your argument when it was said in a pretty negative tone. the piece didn’t even need it; it was funny and satirical on its own.

      Like

      • At the time I wrote this piece, she was on TWO national news networks blaming her eating disorder on veganism. She was BLAMING veganism. It’s on video.

        When asked if she had just exposed the DARK UNDERBELLY OF A VEGAN DIET, she answered, “yes.”

        I was furious. Still am. Being vegan has no connection to orthorexia and never will. She has an eating disorder and used her celebrity to gain more celebrity to tear down OUR cause.

        After being vegan for 18 months.

        I hope she is feeling better and has found balance and maybe one day she will return to the healthiest way of eating on the planet: Vegan.

        Like

  2. rhonda

    Vegan diet is the healthiest way to live , I don’t believe that’s what killed him look at his age not everyone lives pass 90 give me a break.at least we won’t have arteries , cancer,other health issues .

    Like

    • Rhonda,

      This blog post is satire (think “Vegan Onion”). I made all of this up for the sake of entertaining the masses. And, boy did I ever! Over 3,000 views so far and over 300 Facebook shares.

      Thanks so much for commenting!

      Like

    • Thank you.

      I never ceases to amaze me how many people think these features are real news. If you look at the links on the left you can also read the one I wrote about vegans dying from a lack of protein.

      God bless people.

      Thanks for commenting.

      Like

  4. Hilarious! He could have lived for forever if only he had killed a bunch of animals and eaten them. Oh wait . . . . we aren’t immortal and the average lifespan for an animal eater is 72 to 78 and he ONLY lived to 92.

    Like

  9. Rachel

    Bummer.. it was all made up.. I wanted the house.. Very cool house!!!!!!… Died from being Vegan… bah ha ha ha ha.. That is funny…. GO VEGAN for your health and for the long of animals… 🙂

    Like

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  12. Conscientious Consumer of Online Media

    I think it’s generally accepted that a substantial number of readers mistake satirical writing for real news reporting (and who can blame them seeing as the similarities are so striking)…In light of this phenomenon, however, I think writers have a responsibility to take more care when publishing any content that perpetuates damaging misconceptions about health, nutrition, or the marginalization of individuals who are vulnerable or choose lifestyles that are not in line with the status quo.

    In keeping with the theme of responsibility, please also consider this: A head writer at The Onion once commented that the acceptability of satirical content hinges on whether the joke is fair, and wether the butt of the joke deserves to be made fun of. I like a joke as much as the next person, but by laughing at this article, are we subscribing to the idea that the elderly or people who are vegan deserve mockery?

    There is a little truth in every joke, and a little infamy in every internet posting. We really must be careful of what we bear into the world with our words…

    Like

      • I agree as well and that’s what makes it so much fun! The power that has been placed in the hands of amateurs is truly incredible. I can make anyone believe anything through a blog.

        It’s actually terrifying.

        Like

    • Actually, the intended target of this piece are the countless omnivores who feel it necessary to attack vegans. They are threatened by us and so wrought with their own guilt, they use the media in as many opportunities as possible to discount the vegan diet/lifestyle.

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment and for finding my blog.

      Like

  13. vanda

    Vegan diet is the most healthiest diet with great taste. There is nothing lack in this diet. Protein, Carbohydrates, Omega…. what not? you can get all from the plant based food. He is 92 years old? and can’t find any other reason?

    Like

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  17. Hah! Super fun to read. Love your wicked sense of humor and sarcasm.

    Sad thing is there are a LOT of former-vegans-gone-back-to-meat out there for a variety of reasons. I’d like to think that they’re all vegan for health reasons (aka in it for themselves) and not in it to protest the billions who suffer every year to feed us unnecessarily (aka in it for others). It’s all in how you look at it — I guess it would pass as a religion of sorts.

    Like

  18. Ralph Graham

    This is great.
    Except, though the bit about Jordan is a good joke, some may actually believe it especially if it is quoted. Mayb make it even more rediculous so even the gullible will know for sure? … 🙂

    Like

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