[BUFFALO CITY, OK] Harper County Police and the Harper County Medical Examiner’s Office are investigating the death of a Buffalo City man this morning.
A 92-year-old Buffalo City resident was found dead in his modest prairie home earlier this week. Local authorities believe his vegan lifestyle may have contributed to his unexpected death. David Nash, retired postal worker for Buffalo City, was discovered deceased in his reclining chair by a neighbor who felt “something was just not right.”
“I considered David a friend, in spite of the fact he only ever brought hummus and veggie burgers to our community cookouts,” said Daryl Leno, a neighbor of Nash’s. “Considering the bizarre diet he was on, I’m pretty sure that’s what killed him. I mean, come on, what is hummus anyway?”
The County medical examiner confirmed upon closer inspection of Nash’s home, they could only find whole foods, beans, rice, fruits, vegetables, and some form of “soy” milk in his refrigerator and pantry.
“There is no way a person can survive on this diet,” said Pablo Rodriguez, Chief Medical Examiner. “Where’s the steaks? The eggs? It’s no wonder he didn’t live to be 94 with this type of lifestyle. It’s just unhealthy.”
In related “unhealthy” news, a popular food blogger and Instagram sensation known previously as The Blonde Vegan, made national headlines when she admitted that trying to stay alive consuming only food that is good for you, foods found in a vegan diet, and avoiding meat, dairy, and eggs, nearly killed her.
Jordan, a yoga junkie, passionate writer, fitness freak, smoothie addict, dream chaser, cleanse creator, founder of TBV Apparel, wannabe food photographer & lover of all things health related has since converted back to an omnivore’s diet and already feels healthier and reports that her period, which had stalled during her 18-months vegan, has returned. This medical oddity also proves that vegans cannot reproduce and if the planet went 100% vegan, human life would cease to exist.
“If I could say just one thing to Mr. Nash in the great beyond, it would be ‘bacon’,” Rodriguez added, while biting into a double cheeseburger over Nash’s corpse during his planned autopsy. “If only someone had told this old man that humans require meat and meat protein and eggs and milk and bacon … to live, he’d still be with us today.”