This post is dedicated to all the omnivores who think vegans are judgmental and to the vegetarians who, for reasons I still cannot comprehend, continue to consume dairy and eggs. As you all know, vegans are notorious for letting you know they’re vegan. Hand us an appetizer and, even if it’s vegan, we’re going to tell you we’re vegan. We wear shirts that let you know we’re vegan. Wind us up about the meat, dairy, and egg industries and watch us go! It’s really pretty annoying. But, I have a solution.
As a service to all the vegetarians who cannot commit and the omnivores who don’t see why eating meat (or cheese … or eggs benedict) is cruel, I submit: “How to Shut Up a Vegan.” Patent pending.
I know this will work on me, so I assume it will work on other vegans, as well. To get us to stop talking about being vegan and to stop us from reminding you that what you eat is directly tied to animal rape, torture and murder … I ask the following:
Come with me on a farm visit. Two actually.
Let’s start our day at the Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen. Come meet the animals you so willingly consume or consume their excretions and hatchings. Watch them as they frolic and socialize. Get to know their names. Get a tour, wipe the poop off your boots, and stop in to the gift shop. I will buy you a souvenir t-shirt that you can wear to our next stop. A working farm. I’ll drive.
Now … choose your animal! Chicken, pig, or cow?
Let’s start with chickens. Watch as the chickens are cooped up in cages just barely big enough for them to breath. See how their beaks were cut off? Or how they’ve been so fattened that they can’t stand up? Now, walk with me as we see the male chicks being ground up alive. Alive. Peeping as their little skulls are crushed. Fun, huh?
Our next stop is the pig pen. Did you know most bacon comes from a pig that is not even a year old? Ever watch the movie “Babe”? Now, watch as they dunk the pig alive, hung by its hind leg, into a vat of boiling water as it squirms, squeals, and eventually dies. Or, witness the innocent pigs trying to avoid a bolt being driven into their brain. Notice how they all move into the corner? Terrified? This is as humane as it gets, people.
Now, onto the dairy farm. Dairy industry = meat industry. There is no difference. Want to help rape the cow? Or, would you rather be the assistant who attaches a chain to the newborn calf as the mother cries out in agony over her baby being dragged away? Not to worry! You can help get her pregnant again so she will continue to make milk for you (so you can enjoy that gooey grilled cheese sandwich). It’s even more fun when the newborn calf is male. He can be locked into a small plastic box and later killed for veal.
Don’t eat veal? Well, good for you … look how compassionate you are.
So, do you want to shut me up? I will stop preaching. I won’t even talk about the health advantages of being vegan. Nor will I write about cruelty to animals or animal rights. I will stop. I will turn off this blog. Forever.
If, after you witness this horrific treatment of helpless animals, you still decide to support the meat, dairy, and egg industries. If you can continue going about your life, unaffected and unchanged … then, I will stop. You will have shut up a vegan (warning: there are plenty more behind me).