[Center City, OK] A Center City production of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet was shut down amid disruptive protests by members of the Oklahoma Vegans United March (OVUM). The play is scheduled to begin again on February 2nd, pending repairs required to the damaged set and costumes.
“The performance had just resumed from intermission,” said Derrick Longfellow, an Oklahoma actor who is overacting in the role of King Claudius. “I was about to exit stage left when we were attacked by a group of exceptionally angry, and dreadfully frightening, vegans. I was terribly distraught. Will you require a headshot for this?”
According to the Center City Police report, OVUM, “needed the community to understand that pigs are sentient beings and that any reference to ham or pork should carry with it a level of accountability.” The report continued to mention that OVUM will be charged $350 for repairs required to a theater backdrop and for rips sustained to Gertrude’s gown.
Vegans abstain from consuming or using any products derived from animals and “… have been known for creating a ruckus around these parts and shoving their ridiculous beliefs down the throats of the ‘Merican general public,” Officer Wainright added during the county’s weekly press conference. “It’s as if they think animals aren’t food.”
An online statement from OVUM also claimed responsibility for recent attacks on area BBQ restaurants and for a recent string of prank calls to Hollywood actor Kevin Bacon.