250,000 Year-Old-Man Unearthed: Confirmed Vegan

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[SHAWNEE, OK] Paleontologists at the Oklahoma Museum of Natural Sciences in Shawnee, Oklahoma, announced this week fascinating new findings into the diet and lifestyle of prehistoric man after discovery of a frozen 250,000 year-old human unearthed in Tura, Russia, an ancient village in the Siberian Plateau.

“As we melted away the ice to begin performing an autopsy on the body we were amazed at some of the accompanying findings,” said Dr. Warren Almond, Director of the Oklahoma Museum of Natural Sciences.

“There is no doubt from the data that early man was, in fact, vegan. From the surrounding evidence to the preserved food particles extracted from the specimen’s digestive tract. Paleo man was vegan.”

These findings are in alignment with many of the teachings of Dr. Milton Mills of Falls Church, Virginia. His research and area of expertise has long pointed at signs supporting an herbivorous caveman.

“From the teeth to the toes,” Dr. Almond added during a lunch interview. “As Dr. Mills has said for years, early man was herbivorous and now we can conclusively state ‘vegan.'”

According to the autopsy report, as the ice melted away several items were revealed or dropped out of the encasement, including: Oreo cookies, Daiya cheese, and a half-eaten package of Nestle Double Chocolate Thin Mints; a vegan item that made the PETA Accidentally Vegan Food List.

Other evidence leading to the groundbreaking conclusion was nearly 45kg of hummus, quinoa, and “All Hail Kale Salad” in the digestive tract.

“As if these findings weren’t enough, we noticed that the prehistoric man also wore vegan Birkenstock sandals, a Blood Tight Apparel t-shirt, and carried an iMac with a “coexist” sticker covering the Apple logo,” Dr. Almond concluded. “Case closed.”

 

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