Actual Humans Now Used for Human Product Testing

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[LAWTON, OK] With no end to the 14-day U.S. government shutdown in site, affected agencies nationwide have switched from animal testing to actual human testing on many popular consumer products. Items such as toothpaste, mascara, shampoo, mouthwash, and even cigarettes are now being tested on human beings, as opposed to animals.

β€œThis is not something we’re pleased with,” stated Gordon Mantooth of the Palmotive Testing Labs in Lawton, Oklahoma. β€œIn the past we’d use rabbits, dogs, or in some cases, monkeys to test our mouthwash and other home products and now we are forced to test these products on people. It’s just terrible. I feel so bad for them … having to try mouthwash that hasn’t been previously tested on animals. What if the end-product doesn’t leave their mouth feeling fresh?”

Over 1,000 products on the market today are still being tested on animals. Everything from home toiletries and cosmetics to pesticides and cigarettes. Now, with this change in national policy, there are hundreds of thousands white rats β€œJonesing” for a cigarette with no relief in site.

β€œEvery year, millions of animals are poisoned and killed in barbaric tests that were crudely developed as long ago as the 1920s to evaluate the toxicity of consumer products and their ingredients.” as stated on the PETA website. β€œRats, mice, guinea pigs, rabbits, and other animals are forced to swallow or inhale massive quantities of a test substance or endure the pain of a chemical eating away at their sensitive eyes and skin –– even though the results of animal tests are often unreliable or not applicable to humans.” Isn’t that better than risking human reactions to human products?

Now, with most of the testing labs across the nation switching to this new policy, the testing will be applicable to humans since these products and their ingredients will be directly tested on live people.

β€œIt’s ridiculous it’s come to this,” said Republican Congressman Ronald Matthews via phone interview. β€œProducts need to be tested on animals so we know they are safe to use on humans. How could anyone expect a cigarette to be safe for us if it hasn’t been vetted by a laboratory animal? You can blame Obama. Now, if you’d excuse me, I still have to hit the back nine before heading to the club.”

The U.S. government and supporting agencies had no further comment at this time.

Go vegan.

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