Vegans are Killers, Cannibals and Carnivores


Vegans act so innocent. Don’t let that fool you. As if violently extracting a helpless carrot from its warm-earth bed isn’t bad enough, vegans also are known to gouge eyes out of potatoes and, in an act of almost cannibalistic intent, vegans go so far as to eat ears (of corn). Whether chomping in the old-school “typewriter method” or the much more efficient “round and round;” vegans stalk corn. They will stop at nothing to kill a vegetable.

They tear out hearts (of Romaine). Ripping them to shreds and tossing them. In a bowl. With Blood Orange dressing. Or chop up heads … of lettuce.

And if it’s not hearts of Romaine they are cutting into a million pieces, or hearts of palm they are dicing, then it’s artichoke hearts they are steaming. Tearing away leaf by leaf until they get to the very center. In related news, a recent act of violence at Wegmans involved a hit man named Artie. He was arrested and tried for choking three innocent vegans at Wegmans in the produce department. He admitted he did it for the meat industry and was under contract for just $5. The headline the next day in the paper read: “Artie Chokes Three for $5 at Wegmans.”

True story.

If you think vegans are opposed to milk, make sure they get nowhere near a coconut. Or almonds. Or rice. Or even hemp. Vegans will milk anything they can get their hands on.

To get their protein, vegans will consume large amounts of kidney … beans. And to get their starch, they will smash potatoes or boil elbows (of macaroni). Vegans act innocent but really they are killers, cannibals and carnivores, just like you … and MeatyVegan.

Eat plants.

Go vegan.

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