To Prove His Point, An Omnivore Attempts to Eat a Baby

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[TULSA, OK] Police arrested a man Friday night outside of Oklahoma City for allegedly attempting to eat a baby. Witnesses say the bizarre cannibalistic behavior was brought on by an argument between the suspect, whose identity has not yet been released, and an unrelated, judgmental vegan. The six-month-old is recovering from bite marks and has been transferred to county hospital. Meanwhile the mother of the baby, who was nursing him at the time is pressing charges.

“There is something seriously wrong with that man,” the woman stated to investigators. “To take a tiny, innocent baby while he is nursing and to mock ‘eat him’ to make his point, goes beyond insane. I hope they give him life in prison.”

Eyewitnesses on the scene report hearing a conversation between the suspect and a known vegan, where the topic of survival on a deserted island began heating up into a more serious debate. The vegan, who said he wouldn’t kill any animals in order to survive was further taunted by the omnivore who said, “we didn’t claw our way to the top of the food chain to graze on grass.” The omnivore then continued to argue about the health advantages of a dairy and egg diet and began shouting, “where else can we get protein and calcium … where else can we get protein and calcium?!”

The smug vegan then responded by taunting the omnivore further, asking if he was going to eat meat, would he be willing to kill the animal himself each time he was hungry. The incident then heightened again when the vegan asked the omnivore if he was aware that baby pigs and cows, as young as six months, are taken from their mother to be slaughtered and brought to market. The omnivore, noticeably enraged at this point, turned and grabbed the six-month old baby boy from his mother’s breast and shouted, “you mean like THIS?”

The suspect is currently being held on bail in Oklahoma City jail and was quoted as saying, “vegans are so annoying!” Police are continuing the investigation.

Go vegan.

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