BREAKING NEWS: Vegans are Dying from a Lack of Protein

[Duncan, OK] It is a commonly known fact that vegans struggle to get enough protein to survive. Across the country, humans living on plant-based diets are dying from a lack of these large biological modules that can only be acquired by consuming meat [1].

“Since the first vegan showed up to a cro magnon BBQ with only hummus, his weakness in the evolutionary chain was clearly defined and he has continued to slowly edge toward extinction,” stated Robert Stevenson, of the Animal Protein Institution (API) in Duncan, Oklahoma, a suburb of Tulsa. “… most likely from a lack of animal protein [2].”

One of the signs of a protein deficiency is constant craving [3], which could explain why vegans are always grazing or meeting up at potlucks. It is as if they are in a constant state of starvation. Unlike their omnivore counterpart, who only require three meals per day: a Grand Slam breakfast from Denny’s in the morning, a #2 special at Taco Bell for lunch, and all-you-can-eat pasta at The Olive Garden. The vegan, as it seems, appears to eat all day. Snacking on kale chips, celery sticks, and other whole foods. Noshing on nourishing foods. A sort-of “vegetable zombie” in search of B12.

“Vegans have also been known to crave things like animal rights and a clean environment. These cravings could be cured with a solid dose of animal fat.” Stevenson continued.

Other signs that vegans struggle to get protein? Their excellent annual check ups and less frequent doctor’s appointments. How can a person possibly be healthy without frequent doctor and hospital visits? That makes no sense.

Arteriosclerosis is a “clear” indicator of plenty of animal protein in the human body and vegans, with their clean arteries and excellent cholesterol levels, noticeably lack decaying carcass protein; again, necessary for survival. [1]

This “veganizing” of America needs to stop. Vegans must give up their ideals and beliefs and immediately switch to a hardier meat-based diet [4], such as Paleo or Atkins, or they will face the ultimate demise:

Dying old with a healthy body.

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[1]. Not true.
[2.]. Also not true.
[3.]. Oddly, this is true.
[4]. Vegans get, literally, more than enough protein from vegetables, legumes, nuts, seeds, beans, and whole grains. In fact, the average vegan diet provides 150% of the daily required protein to sustain a healthy meat-free/egg-free life.

Go vegan.