How to be a Fat Vegan (Part I)

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Or, “So You Think You Can’t Be Vegan?”

Okay, it’s not as if you were actually thinking about going vegan … I mean, what would you eat? Sprouts? Kale? Wheatgrass? Or, maybe you’ll stick all three of these things into a Vitamix with some coconut water and drink every meal. Who wants to live that way?

Fear not, aspiring vegan … I present to you a list of foods you can eat and still live cruelty-free and enjoy all the perks of being vegan (although, this diet does not promote good health).

Vegans can eat:

  • Chex Cereal. All flavors are gluten free but avoid the honey nut flavor (not vegan). Otherwise, these delicious squares of flavor are a great start to your day. Pour on the Vanilla Hemp Milk and have two bowls! Another vegan but not gluten-free option for breakfast is Pop-Tarts (unfrosted).
  • Fritos. Those curled over corn-based snacks are just waiting to scoop up some Tofutti sour cream. The only thing that makes this better is …
  • Soy Chorizo. Trader Joe’s makes a soy chorizo that tastes exactly like real chorizo. Fold this into a corn tortilla with melted pepper jack Daiya cheese and you’ve got a party looking for a mouth.
  • Pirate’s Booty Original Tings. That’s right. No need to give up Cheeto’s! These crunchy “cheesy” treats are so delicious and nutritious … it’s fine that you eat the entire bag!
  • Potatoes. In all their evil forms. From French fries to potato chips, you can pretty much live off this root vegetable on its own. I know I’ve tried. In fact, it’s such a problem that Chef AJ challenged me to a 30-day French fry challenge. Not sure how I’ll do but I’ll keep you posted.
  • Beyond Meat Grilled Chicken. I tried this once and all I can say is that it’s probably a good thing there isn’t a Whole Foods near me. I’d eat this every day … fried … drenched in chicken wing sauce (yes, that’s vegan, too).
  • Vegan Pizza. We get crusts from LeGarden Bakery that are vegan and gluten free and cover them with vegan maranara and mozzarella Daiya cheese and top it with mushrooms or jalapenos or broccoli or … all of these toppings. Being vegan means you can eat every vegetable ever invented!
  • Oreos (not gluten-free). That’s right. “Oh, Oh, Oh, ice cold soy milkΒ and anΒ Oreo Cookie.Β They forever go together, what a classic combination.” This alone should be enough to convince you. If not …
  • Gluten Free Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies. ’nuff said.
  • Vegan Ice Cream. I prefer coconut ice cream but there is almond and soy varieties that are just as good. Cover it with peanuts and melted dark chocolate. You can see where I’m going with this.

Does this make me a bad vegan? Probably, but I don’t care.

Okay, here’s the thing. Step one was becoming vegan and now step two is to stop eating all these foods listed about. Meanwhile, want to watch something hilarious? Check out Jim Gaffigan trying vegan junk food. “Tastes like acid rain.”

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