Vegans are a mysterious breed. Under normal conditions, one can’t easily spot a vegan in the wild but there are some important tips that will make life among vegans more pleasant. If you’re suspicious that a person standing next to you might be vegan, the easiest way to tell is to offer them something to eat — even a vegetable. When approached with food, a vegan will let you know they’re vegan. In fact, just approaching a vegan and starting a conversation about anything, they will begin to shake … holding back with all their might … prepared to strike at any moment… poised … ready to let you know. They. Are. Vegan.
In order for you to fully understand, and peacefully live among the Modern Vegan, published below is a checklist.
Please feel free to print this out and keep it in your wallet:
- Let you know they are vegan. They can’t help it. Any conversation will lead to this so be prepared with a response. Something along the lines of “oh, that’s nice,” will do. Don’t ask “why?” Or, “would you eat an animal if you were stranded on a desert island and were going to die otherwise?” These questions may force the vegan to strike out. Possibly throw a vegan Birkenstock at you.
- Educate themselves. They are fully prepared to answer any questions about anything vegan. And healthy living. And pretty much any subject. Go ahead, ask them what’s so bad about honey … or silk. They’ve watched “Forks Over Knives” many times and, in fact, often attend special screenings of documentaries about being vegan. Documentaries like “Forks Over Knives.” They will recommend you watch it.
- Complain. They don’t mean to but the world is against them. This menu doesn’t have vegan items clearly marked! Why do these sandals have a tiny strip of leather on them? Why do people continue to look past the cruelty they are committing to animals by eating meat and wearing animal hide? So, all I can eat is rice? This list goes on.
- Be creative about food. They find replacements for every food they’ve given up. Eventually, each vegan will eat a grilled “cheese” sandwich or mac and “cheese.” Even French fries smothered in (mushroom) gravy. Most won’t admit this.
- Dehydrate things. Mostly kale. To make kale chips (see #4).
- Be bold. They make sure they write VEGAN across the front and back of any wedding RSVP. They will also call the caterer a few days in advance just to make sure they got the message.
- Host potlucks. Many, many potlucks. This provides an opportunity to showcase their hummus recipes as well as watch “Forks Over Knives” (again). Potlucks are the vegan’s natural habitat.
- Own a Vitamix. The company considered naming it VeganMix at one point.
- Know the names of at least five famous vegans. From Bill Clinton to Steve-O … they want you to know that they are not the only ones.
VEGANS WILL NOT:
- Stress about protein. Omnivores do enough stressing about this for all vegans — combined. No one cares about another person’s protein until they find out that person is vegan.
Good luck and you’re welcome.