Today’s Vegan


Vegans are a mysterious breed. Under normal conditions, one can’t easily spot a vegan in the wild but there are some important tips that will make life among vegans more pleasant. If you’re suspicious that a person standing next to you might be vegan, the easiest way to tell is to offer them something to eat — even a vegetable. When approached with food, a vegan will let you know they’re vegan. In fact, just approaching a vegan and starting a conversation about anything, they will begin to shake … holding back with all their might … prepared to strike at any moment… poised … ready to let you know. They. Are. Vegan.

In order for you to fully understand, and peacefully live among the Modern Vegan, published below is a checklist.

Please feel free to print this out and keep it in your wallet:


  1. Let you know they are vegan. They can’t help it. Any conversation will lead to this so be prepared with a response. Something along the lines of “oh, that’s nice,” will do. Don’t ask “why?” Or, “would you eat an animal if you were stranded on a desert island and were going to die otherwise?” These questions may force the vegan to strike out. Possibly throw a vegan Birkenstock at you.
  2. Educate themselves. They are fully prepared to answer any questions about anything vegan. And healthy living. And pretty much any subject. Go ahead, ask them what’s so bad about honey … or silk. They’ve watched “Forks Over Knives” many times and, in fact, often attend special screenings of documentaries about being vegan. Documentaries like “Forks Over Knives.” They will recommend you watch it.
  3. Complain. They don’t mean to but the world is against them. This menu doesn’t have vegan items clearly marked! Why do these sandals have a tiny strip of leather on them? Why do people continue to look past the cruelty they are committing to animals by eating meat and wearing animal hide? So, all I can eat is rice? This list goes on.
  4. Be creative about food. They find replacements for every food they’ve given up. Eventually, each vegan will eat a grilled “cheese” sandwich or mac and “cheese.” Even French fries smothered in (mushroom) gravy. Most won’t admit this.
  5. Dehydrate things. Mostly kale. To make kale chips (see #4).
  6. Be bold. They make sure they write VEGAN across the front and back of any wedding RSVP. They will also call the caterer a few days in advance just to make sure they got the message.
  7. Host potlucks. Many, many potlucks. This provides an opportunity to showcase their hummus recipes as well as watch “Forks Over Knives” (again). Potlucks are the vegan’s natural habitat.
  8. Own a Vitamix. The company considered naming it VeganMix at one point.
  9. Know the names of at least five famous vegans. From Bill Clinton to Steve-O … they want you to know that they are not the only ones.


  1. Stress about protein. Omnivores do enough stressing about this for all vegans — combined. No one cares about another person’s protein until they find out that person is vegan.

Good luck and you’re welcome.

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